Rick Hillier: the Man, the Myth, the Legend

In light of recent news about CDS, Gen. Rick (the Big Cod) Hillier stepping down we thought that re-posting this humourous list of his "charateristics" was in order.

For Canadian soldiers to be effective and feared by their enemies, they must follow the example set by Chief of Defence Staff General Rick Hillier. The following is a list of some key points about Gen Hillier, which should be considered if others want to follow in his footsteps:

Rick Hillier does not sleep. He waits.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Rick Hillier.

Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Rick Hillier's fist.

Rick Hillier's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

(the standard throat-punch-look, notice the partial mouth open, an obvious indication of what will transpire next)

Rick Hillier does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Rick Hillier goes killing!

(Gen Hillier demonstrating the 'over-the-shoulder-throat-punch look' with the standard pause of '2-3')

Ghosts are actually caused by Rick Hillier killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rick Hillier frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Rick Hillier puts the "laughter" back into "manslaughter".

(Rick having a few laughs demonstrating his pattened finishing move)

The chief export of Rick Hillier is pain.

Rick Hillier can slam revolving doors.

If you can see Rick Hillier, he can see you. If you can't see Rick Hillier, you may be only seconds away from death.

"Your next f**ker"

Rick Hillier counted to infinity - twice!

When Rick Hillier exercises, the machine gets stronger.

When Rick Hillier sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Rick Hillier has not had to pay taxes ever.

(Gen Hillier demonstrating the style of choke hold he would us IF he had to pay taxes)

Rick Hillier owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite his holding just a joker, a get-out-of-jail-free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, and a green #4 card from the game Uno. (seen below)

If you see Rick Hillier crying he will grant you a wish. If your wish is dying.

Rick Hillier was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Rick Hillier crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives.

(Rick discribes how he can immobilize a man with just a key)

They say that lightning never strikes twice. Neither does Rick Hillier. He doesn't have to.

Rick Hillier is allowed to speak of Fight Club.

Rick Hillier sleeps with a night light. Not because Rick Hillier is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Rick Hillier.

Rick Hillier died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Rick Hillier has only one hand: the upper hand. (see above)

Water boils faster when Rick Hillier watches it.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Rick Hillier.

Rick Hillier doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. (seen below)

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rick Hillier can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

If Rick Hillier is late, time better slow down.

Rick Hillier can divide by zero.

Rick Hillier can speak Braille.

Rick Hillier refers to himself in the fourth person.

One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Rick Hillier "Dick
Hillier." He explained it was an honest mistake an apologized profusely.
Rick accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months
later, the guy's wife gave birth to a baby wearing combat fatigues. The
guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

A blind man once stepped on Rick Hillier's shoe. Rick Hillier replied,
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Rick Hillier!" The mere mention of his
name cured the man's blindness. Sadly, the first, last, and only thing
this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Rick Hillier.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Rick Hillier open,
you would find another Rick Hillier inside, only smaller and angrier.

Rick Hillier's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd.
Nobody fools Rick Hillier.

At birth, Rick Hillier came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the
doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Rick Hillier but Rick Hillier.

Superman owns a pair of Rick Hillier pajamas.

(make no mistake the microphone isn't powered by the 'Energizer Bunny' or the 'Copper Top', it isn't even plugged in, ifs powered by 'Rick-Power' which, by the way had the Energiezer Bunny for lunch!)